Third Decade Complete

On to the next one..

This week I turned 30. 

Remarkable- you’d have been a brave soul indeed to bet on that 10 years ago. But here we are. 

Much to pondering from the last decade. Here’s a couple of reflections.

It’ll all be over in a heartbeat

The decade’s most profound moment came last March; during a Vipassana in Herefordshire.

A Vipassana, for those not familiar, is a type of silent retreat.

Mine was ten days and involved nine hours a day meditating. I’d sit cross legged on a cushion, for hours and hours and hours. Not easy, I can assure you.

Each day, three of the nine hours were spent in one hour chunks called Strong Determination. The goal? Not to move a muscle. For the whole hour. 

The first couple were agony.

But then a funny thing happened. I began to adjust. They become almost pleasurable. It was during such a session that a breakthrough came.

There I was, body still but mind pleading for a break. I pleaded for the bell ringing and the session ending. Surely it can’t be long now? And then I had a realisation: 

This session would end.

I remembered a similar restlessness last session, a feeling it would never end. But it did. And this would too.

I realised that once it ended I could rest, and then that rest too would end it would be into more mediation this afternoon.

That too would end.

And soon it would be the evening lecture.

This too would pass.

I’d go to bed. Tomorrow would come and go. Hours of meditation; coming and passing. The days would go by and soon the retreat, too, would end.

I could picture myself heading back out it into the world. Soon I’d be back to my life. I’d return to work.

Then an upcoming holiday.

It wouldn’t be long until summer arrived. Autumn. Winter.

This year too would end.

And another year would pass. Unplugged would grow and evolve, as would my life. I’d have a family.

The years would pass and I’d grow old. 

Sat there on that cushion I could see my old-self wrinkled and smiling, clear as if he were sitting in front of me.

I realised then and there: One day I would die. And it would all come around in a heartbeat.

I felt such a deep sense of calm in that moment. A complete peace with the fleeting nature of it all. 

Blink and you really might miss it.

Yet we have so much time

And yet, and yet…

That day is not today. And perhaps not for many days to come. And those days are long.

We miss, I feel, just how much time we have. A life is easily wished away. Waiting for that big, exciting thing: The holiday, the perfect partner, or a simple turning of our fortunes.

Well, what if they don’t turn? Should that life not still be lived?

The truth is we have many hours each day. And if we can really live them then it’s more than enough.

No, our problem comes from an insatiable need to fill that time. And in doing so, to fill what’s missing in us.

I entered this decade feeling like I didn’t have what I needed. I was missing something. Something I felt could be solved if I found success, or status. Then I would finally feel like enough.

It took me half the decade to see the folly in that; at another retreat, this time in the Himalayas.

I’d booked myself in for 10 days of silence to address the deep dissatisfaction that had been building. Frankly, I was exhausted. The previous decade had been a drug-and-alcohol fuelled blur. One big charade to fit in to this world.

But as you might imagine it had not worked, and there I was- at 25, a lost soul.

Yet 10 days later I was transformed. The idea that shook me most was the Buddhist concept of attachment: The feeling that I need *this* to be happy. Be it wealth, status, a person- you name it.

I realised then and there that I already had everything I needed; and I always had done.

Many times in the last decade I’ve had what 20-year-old-Hector might have thought of as successes. But they’re so fleeting. I’d reach them and then it was the next thing.

The truth is that more is never enough, and life is wished away waiting for something external to finally make us feel like enough.

The less we want, the less we wish away today, and actually live it. Do this and it’s a very long life indeed.

But it’s tricky, I write this with a cold today and, I’ll be honest, I’ve frequently found myself wishing to be a fews days in the future, on the other side of it.

There’s a Haitian proverb that comes to mind: Over mountains there are mountains.

Either we spend our life cursing the endless mountains; or we learn to love them. The choice is ours.

Learn to love them…

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A Final Thought 💡

“It is not the length of life, but the depth of life. He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson