Therapy - Part 3
Blackouts and breakthroughs, salvation, and processing
This is continuing on from Part 1 and 2. Start there.
If you’re caught up then we’re in 2009. A fateful year. The year the drinking started.
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Blackouts and Breakthroughs
It began slowly.
The first year was cautious; the odd drinking bout at school. But soon something shifted.
Here, finally, was a release. It wasn’t long until I took to it with a reckless abandon.
The next decade saw a dizzying escalation of antics. Too much to cover here.
To give just a taste; let me tell you about a game played with my flatmate during university.
The game, if you can call it that, was called “Blackout Thursdays”. It was rather simple:
Every Thursday we’d each drink 70cl of vodka, and see what happened. That was it. The kicker, of course, was we didn’t have a clue. The night was a blackout.
I wince today writing this. But at the time I wasn’t remotely concerned. Perhaps even a little proud of my reckless behaviour. It certainly made for good stories.
But it came with a cost. One I hadn’t appreciated until very recently. That cost is shame.
Salvation
All roads, in therapy, lead to shame.
Inevitably it appeared at the root of my issues too.
Some part of me was appalled at the stupidity. I’d wake up riddled with regret and shame from the night before. But then my conditioning kicked in.
I shrugged it off. Put on a smile. And repeated my mantra: All is well.
As the decade progressed the behaviour got increasingly reckless. The more I suppressed, the more extreme the reaction. The nights got bigger, the shame grew.
During my early 20s this reached a head.
I’ve always had a deep belief my life would work itself out. That success would fall into my lap. But soon it became clear I was heading for a crash.
So I threw myself into anything that might steer me to a better life. I began to meditate. I went from a fairly illiterate dyslexic to an avid reader. I joined a public speaking group.
Anything for a way out of this spiral.
And then salvation.
My dear friend Hector Alexander, suggested a silent retreat in the Himalayas. I jumped at the opportunity.
Up in those mountains something shifted in me again.
I returned a changed man.
A week later I quit my job. I started Unplugged. Then just another month later I swore off drugs and alcohol. The chaos ended.
And change came quickly; I felt a deep calm and confidence previously missing from my life.
That was it. The problems appeared solved. And for a couple of years they were.
But all that shame was buried away. And it wasn’t finished with me yet.
Processing
My next trial was a growing illness. Four years of worsening symptoms brought me to my knees last year. More on that here.
Coupled with the trials of startup life it made 2023-24 challenging years.
My goal each day: Grit my teeth and endure, however oppressive things got.
And endure I did. But with an ever growing weight. Which, fortunately, brought me to the office of Gavin.
What I now realise is the unprocessed shame/stress/trauma- whatever you want to call it- had a terrible cost. And whilst the drinking had gone, that very much remained.
My work now is to process.
As Brené Brown says: Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. I’m learning to speak. I’ve said things in Gavin’s office and, recently, outside that I thought I’d never utter aloud.
And the results are remarkable.
I’ve seen huge change in three months. I’m less of a people pleaser, more direct, less cripplingly agreeable. I’ll say the uncomfortable things I’d have previously left unsaid.
As I do this work, things magically fall into place.
Problems resolve. Opportunities emerge. A spring has returned to my step. We’ve even had weeks of sun in the rainy UK.
I won’t take all the credit for the latter but perhaps a little.
But the work is just beginning. And, I suspect, never ends. As with all in life; it’s the journey rather than the destination.
Much will shift for me this year. I can’t tell you what- I haven’t a clue- but change is coming. For the first time in years I see a path forward; a huge opportunity to build something special at Unplugged and become the best version of myself.
I don’t intend to waste it.
What I’ve Been Reading 📚
The World of Yesterday by Stefan Zweig
What a remarkable book. The autobiography of the wonderful Stefan Zweig. Zweig grew up in Vienna pre-1914; a time of progress when we thought there would never be trouble again. And then the Wars. A generation suffered horrors that could never be undone. The World changed. Loved this; such a poignant read.
The Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler
Set in a dystopian US, set in 2025, 40 years after it was written. A beautiful, and harrowing book.
Nexus by Yuval Noah Harari
The history of information; from stories, to the written word, to the age of AI. Information, and how it travels, is at the very heart of what it means to be human. A sober, and, at times, alarming read. But thoroughly enjoyable and thought provoking. Harari is a genius.
A Final Thought 💡
“The cure for pain is in the pain.”
- Rumi
Everyone should read Brene Brown.